Is honking the way of communication?

What is communication? According to Webster’s thesaurus, communicate (verb) means: impart, inform, tell, confer, talk, converse, chat, and write, whereas communication (noun) means: utterance, writing, broadcasting, speaking, and interchange.

How do we communicate on the road and in our daily life?

During my trip to Hanoi, Vietnam in January this year, what caught my attention was the traffic. There were many cars, motorbikes, bicycles and tricycles; this was a rare sight back home. I put my hat off to the driver who chauffeured my friend and me from the airport to our hotel. I really considered him a skilful and fast driver, driving at night in high speed. What amazed and bewildered us was, he almost honked and flashed his highlight the entire journey to overtake and get ahead to reach our destination. We looked at each other, suffering from a serious cultural shock. Back home we consider this as rude act lacking in road courtesy. We will only honk when necessary. But honking is the way of life in Honoi. You not only hear the noise of vehicles moving on the road, but also constant honking. Well, the drivers get what they want; driving and overtaking and moving ahead in high speeds. However, that does not deter one from visiting Honoi. It’s a place worth visiting and full of beauty yet to be discovered by those who have not been there.

This enlightening experience set me deep in thought till now and made me wonder as to how we actually communicate with the people around us; to our loved ones, family members, relatives, friends, colleague, acquaintances, strangers, and so on. Do we also honk in anger and irritation, as impatient as the drivers in Hanoi and totally disregarding how others feel? Do we just go ahead and get what we want? Is that what life is all about?

I came across this poem which I would like to share with you, and I feel that it is meaningful regarding the topic of communication. The title of this poem is “One Final Touch”.

One Final Touch
If one lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If one lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

If one lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

If one lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.

If one lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If one lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If one lives with encouragement he learns to be confident.

If one lives with acceptance, he learns to love.

If one lives with recognition, he learns it is good to have a goal.

If one lives with honesty he learns what truth is.

If one lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If one lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him.

If one lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live to love and be loved.

(Anonymous)

How To Avoid Communication Breakdown

Are people receiving the message you want to send across?

Communication does not begin with being understood, but with understanding others.

If you feel unsure about how to communicate effectively with anyone, there are many strategies to do so.

However, I would like to share some thoughts on 7 strategies to improve our communication and relationship from being self-sabotaged.

1) Never Assume - One of the biggest causes in communication breakdown is miscommunication, resulting from assumption and unclear instruction. e.g. you tell someone to pick you up at a certain location at 5pm sharp. That someone came at 5pm sharp and they became angry because they have been waiting for over an hour at the wrong entrance. Usually when such thing happens, it creates tension to the relationship. Using the “5 Ws” approach can help to clarify others people message to you. They are the “Where, What, When, Who & Why”.

2) Avoid Unexplained Silence - There are times when you are angry at something and you don’t feel like talking to somebody. However, people around might not understand you and you need to be alone or you need a specific time to cool down before you engage in a conversation. Tell that someone you need to be alone for a moment to cool down your emotion.

3) Avoid Talking out of Negative Emotions - Avoid talking out of negative emotions like hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, resentment etc. If you do, the negativity of your communication will be felt and may hurt the relationship. Words uttered can not be swallowed back. In such a case ten minutes of refrain is better than ten years of regrets. Think Freely and Speak Wisely.

4) Avoid Confusing Instruction - Give step to step instruction.

5) Avoid Holding Back Your Energy - Have you experienced a situation where you felt bored listening to someone who seem not to have energy and interest when speaking to you? So put more energy, with your body, your facial expressions and your hand gestures. Generate enthusiasm in your voice when you speak to other.

6) Stop Neglecting Eye Contact - One of the surest ways to convey that you are not interested in communicating with a person is to avoid having eye contact with that person. Having eye contact shows that you are committed in relaying your message across to others and committed to listen and to be with that person.

7) Handle Wrong Tones - It is not so much of what you say counts; it is how you say it that creates an impact. Using the wrong tone will not help get the result you want. Tones that are caring, affectionate, soft and trusting will be more pleasing and will likely to yeild postitive response. Therefore, use the right tone to get the right response. Speak GENTLY when giving emotional support, FIRM and ASSERTIVE when you need to correct behaviors and actions.

So are we sending the right message? If not, take charges and change our strategy. So when we change the way we are communicating, then will people change their communication towards us.

When communication breakdown are avoided, we will see that it will turn into a power communication which will send our message, intentions or instructions on AN ARROW to the HEART of our LISTENERS.

Moments of Life

The following piece is meant for those people

Who mean something to me.

To those who have touched my life in one way or another;

To those who make me smile when I really need it;

To those who make me see the

Brighter side of things when I am really down;

To those whose friendship I appreciate;

To those who are so meaningful in my life.

Thanks for being there.

Have a Good Day my Friend!

Author - Unknown
There are moments in life when you miss someone

so much that you just want to pick them from

your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens;

But often times we look so long at the

Closed door that we don’t see the one,

Which has been opened for us.

Don’t go for looks; they can deceive.

Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away.

Go for someone who makes you smile,

Because it takes only a smile to

Make a dark day seem bright.

Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream;

Go where you want to go;

Be what you want to be,

Because you have only one life

And one chance to do all the things

You want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,

Enough trials to make you strong,

Enough sorrow to keep you human and

Enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily

have the best of everything;

They just make the most of

Everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always

Be based on a forgotten past;

You can’t go forward in life until

You let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying

and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end,

you’re the one who is smiling and everyone

around you is crying.

Never Assume

Many a times in my life journey, I stumble and fall and I like to assume and jump to conclusion without realizing that I may be the “culprit”. I have a knocked on my head when I read an article my dear friend forwarded to me on a husband’s assumption of his wife’s hearing problem.

Yea, it sounds familiar. It’s a joke. I have a Good Laugh, but….. The moral of the story is:

“THE PROBLEM MAY NOT BE WITH THE OTHER ONE AS WE ALWAYS THINK, IT COULD BE VERY MUCH WITHIN US”. So don’t pass any judgement!

#A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do”. said the Doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself. ”I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens”. Then in a normal tone, he asks. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and he repeats. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”. There is still no response.

Next he moves into the dinning room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away and asked. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”. Again there is no response.

So He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“James, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, CHICKEN!”

Author – unknown

Friend's Reunion

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold, for dear friends are hard to find and bring peace to the mind.

There are many things in life in which we need a certain amount of effort to make it happen. That includes making an effort to meet up with my old friends for a reunion for drink and a game of Balut.

About 8 to 9 years ago, I used to hang out with 4 of my friends namely, Jef, Pete (not in picture because he cannot make it), Wendy and Daphne (gang of 5) every Friday night over many years for drinks, singing and a game of Balut. It was during this Balut playing night that we enjoy ourselves and let our hair down and drown ourselves with laughter and shouts at our luck when we strike a score of Balut (see picture), chatting and talking about different topics and “gossiping”.

However, the chain of these Friday meetings was broken due to individual life commitments, busy work schedules, social functions and engagements. So the gang was dispersed for about last 3 to 4 years with the exception of the occasional get-together. However, we keep in touch with one another over the phone and sms. We really missed this Friday Nite rendezvous.

On 14.7.07 (Friday), I made an effort to round up all my gang of five, but Pete could not make it. I also made an effort to take a picture of our reunion. I feel that it’s hard for us to get together and I treasure this moment and want to remember it. What else can jog the memory other than a photo? A picture paints a thousand words. We agreed that we will make an effort to meet up at least once a month from now on - on the last Friday of every month. Of course, we have to put in effort once again.

Friendship isn’t always easily described. It has been said that Eskimos have a hundred different words for snow. Unfortunately, the vocabulary of the English language isn’t quite as vast, though it has ample opportunities to differentiate meaning. Certainly, Love is one of those opportunities. And so, too, is Friendship.

Instead of different words, however, we’re stuck with simple words and phrases. Friend. Close friend. Best friend. Childhood friend. Intimate friend. Trusted friend. Beloved friend. But whether you use different phrases or words, few can deny the nearly infinite meaning in such a simple word.

Friends are special people. We can’t pick our family, and we’re sorely limited in the number of them at any rate. Society and mores (and often our own conscience) dictate we select a single mate. But our friends can be as diverse and infinite as the phrases or simple words we choose. Our friends, in a very real sense, reflect the choices we make in life.

Friends Care, Friends Share, We Need Friends Everywhere!

P/S The strange instinct was, I wanted to take a photo of our friend’s reunion. And that was the last photo taken at the Club. The Sarawak Club unfortunately and sadly was burnt to the ground on the early morning of 27th July, 2006. Gone was the 130 years old club’s history. Currently, it is in the rebuilding process.

Changing Role

Never envy what others are doing. Be it their job or role they played. They are all special in their own ways and are chosen to be what they ought to be.

After I posted a forward on the article “The Woman”, coincidentally, a male club member of mine sent me the following interesting article of a man’s prayer to the Lord.

I think it’s a cool piece, some moral there and definitely it will tickle your funny bones. Remember to have a good prayer with the Lord and ask what is right.

Author - unknown

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went throught so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what i go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man his wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!” :(

The Woman

I don’t like bullies. I don’t like being bullied and I don’t like others to be bullied, especially women. I believe in standing up for justice. Hey! Man, you may have your say too.

I was pondering on how tough a woman can be and their worth. I was pondering upon myself, who I am and where I am heading.

Coincidentally, I received an e-mail from a male colleague who sent the following write up of “The Woman” (a conversation between an Angel and the Lord). I thought it was cool and I want to dedicate it to my women friends to tell them how fantastic they are and to my male friends that they need to be reminded.

Author - unknown

When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day. An angel came by and said:“Why spend so much time on that one?” And the Lord answered: “Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?”

“She must be washable, must not be made of plastic, have more than 200 moving parts which all must be replaceable and she must function on all kinds of food, she must be able to embrace several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart and she must do this with only two hands”. The angel was impressed.

“Just two hands…………….. Impossible! And this is the standard model!?! Too much work for one day…. Wait until tomorrow and then complete her.” “I will not, said the Lord.

“I am so close to completing this creation, which will be favorite of my heart”. “She cures herself when she is sick and she can work 18 hours a day”.

The angel came nearer and touched the woman. “But you have made her soft, Lord”. “She is soft”, said the Lord, “But I have also made her strong. You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome”.

“Can she think?” the angel asked. The Lord answered: “Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate.

" The angel touched the woman cheek……..”Lord, it seems that this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her”. “She is not leaking… It’s a tear” the Lord corrected the angel.

“What’s it for?” asked the angel. And the Lord said” “Tears are her way of expressing grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride”.

This made a big impression on the angel; “Lord, you are genius. You thought of everything. The woman is indeed marvelous!” Indeed she is!

Woman has strengths that amazed man:

She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.

She holds happiness, love and opinions.

She smiles when feeling like screaming.

She sings when she feels like crying,

cries when she is happy,

and laughs when she is afraid.

She fights for what she believes in.

She stands up against injustice.
She doesn’t take “no” for an answer when she can see a better solutions.

She gives herself so her family can thrive.

Her love is unconditional.

She cries when her kids are victorious.

She is happy when her friends do well.

She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding.

Her heart is broken when her next of kin or friend dies.

But she finds the strength to get on with life.

She knows a kiss and a hug can heal a broken heart.

There is only one thing wrong with her. She forgets what she is worth………………….. ???

Hugs

Did you have a hug today? Experts say that “Four Hugs a Day Keeps the Doctor Away”.Can you remember when was the last time you hugged somebody or somebody hugged you? Think for a moment, how did it feel when you were being hugged?

There are different types of hugs. There are ‘I love you’ hugs, ‘I’m sorry’ hugs, ‘I missed you’ hugs, ‘Welcome home’ hugs, ‘I need you’ hugs, ‘Thank you’ hugs, ‘You look like you need a hug’ hug and so on. When we were kids the hugs came and went more easily. We hugged our father, mother, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunties, grandma, and grandpa. As we grew up, we hugged our close friends and our date. Or when some of us became parents we hugged our kids and they hugged us back. Gradually, we realized we didn’t hug someone we should and didn’t like to hug them anymore. To some of us, hugging didn’t come that easily because we were not brought up that way or may be we blamed it to our culture. Or some people just didn’t buy in by this hugging business.Hugs are much more than simply squeezing someone with your arms. By wrapping someone up in a hug you are transferring the feelings of warmth, safety, kindness, need, want, longing, concern and even love onto the hug. Hugging is a good way to show our appreciation, love, care, security and for making amends. It is healthy because it helps the body’s immunity system, keeps you healthier, cures depression, reduces stress, induces sleep, and it’s invigorating, rejuvenating and has no unpleasant side effects. Now don’t belittle this hugging business Hugging is like a miracle drug. Hug and make up. Ever experienced that?

I have a memorable incident how a working relationship was amended through a hug. Many years ago I had a boss whom I think did not see eye-to-eye with me. I don’t know why. Well, it’s a long story. One day both of us attended a management seminar. On the final day of the seminar, the trainer said that it was a confession time. It was a time for you to say thank you or say sorry. After the “confession”, if you accept the person, give him or her a hug or hand shake. So I took this opportunity to go up to my boss and say sorry even though I was not totally wrong and thanks him for his guidance. It’s alright to give in at the right time. Oh, mind, my boss burst into tears and both of us were in tears. And we agreed on a hug. Can you imagine what my feeling was? I was so relieved. A rock, not a stone, was let down from my heart. I feel this miracle drug everyday when my children hug me and I hug them. The love and bonds with my children are closer and stronger through hugging. I feel so good, especially when they hug me.

Basically you may hug anyone that is receptive of the hug but I don’t want you to misunderstand and take advantage and start hugging anybody. I bet you will get into trouble.

I would love to share with you a bookmark my best friend sent me many years ago regarding the Truth about Hugs:

1) There is no such thing as a bad hug, only good ones and great ones

2) Hugs are cholesterol-free, naturally sweet, 100% wholesome, non- fattening and they don’t cause cancer

3) Hugs are safe in all kind of weather and … in fact they are especially good for cold and rainy days

4) Hugs are exceptionally effective in treating problems like bad dreams or Monday blues.

5) Hugs are easy to care for, as they don’t need batteries or x-ray.

6) Hugs are non-taxable and returnable.

How much do hugs cost? Real hugs, physical hugs are free to give and receive. It takes only a moment to give a hug. A hugs life isn’t short- lived. The effects can last all day and lingering memory has been known to last for years.

Never wait until tomorrow to hug someone who deserves it and you could hug today, because when you give one, you get one right back. Just remember, Four Hugs a Day Keeps the Doctor Away.

Cheers! :)

Random Act of Kindness

What does it mean? Maybe we have rendered that act or received that act many times in our life unnoticed. I mentioned about the random act of kindness I received when I was child - a free kindy education.

I read a book about “Random Acts of Kindness” and the followings are an extract from the editor’s note on what it meant.

“Random acts of kindness are those little sweet or grand lovely things we do for no reason except that, momentarily, the best of our humanity has sprung, exquisitely, into full bloom. But it is when we step outside the arena of our normal circumstances, when we move beyond the familiar emotional and circumstantial boundaries of our lives enter the realm of the extraordinary and exquisite. Instead of being responsible good deeds they become embodiments of compassion.

To become the perpetrator of random acts of kindness, then, is to become in some sense an angel. For it means you have moved beyond the limits of your daily human condition to touch wings with the divine. No longer circumscribed by can and must, you have set your soul free to give for the sheer, beautiful sake of true giving. In giving freely, purely, for no reason and every reason, you move into another person’s emotional landscape- not because you must, not because you have no choice, but because in your heart, that majestically super-human organ, the castle of your love, you have felt the spiritual necessity of acting out of your love.

To become the person who behaves in this way is to be twice blessed. For, in enacting these beautiful, spontaneous, wholly gratuitous goodness, you transform not only the world, but yourself.”

Yes, to those friends and good samaritans who have rendered that random act of kindness in my life that gave me warmth and cheer to my heart……. May God Bless You wherever you may be. Especially, to my best friend Phyllis.

Yes! nothing will stop us to render the random acts of kindness. Is there anything holding us back?

My Childhood - A Blessing in Disguise

I was born the youngest child among seven to my proud parents.

When I was four-years-old, an unfortunate event twisted my fate and that of my family’s. My dad was an up-and-coming businessman as well as a timber merchant. But his good luck was marred with cruelty - he was murdered by his employee. He was well-trained in martial arts but he could not count on that advantage as he was asleep. The murderer was sentenced to life imprisonment. At four, I had a very vivid memory of my dad. I can only remembered that whenever he came home from work, he would carry me high up into the air and swoop me down to kiss me. He would bellowed me to take his shoes and he would give me a coin before he went back to work again in the timber camp and would leave home for weeks. When he passed away, his seemingly-unlimited supply of milk which he had hoarded was still available for me to drink. That is why I have strong teeth till today. Although I can’t remember him that much, he was a great dad to me, and I would say, ‘Thanks, Dad’, I love you.

My mum was widowed at 36. She had no education but she was a tailor. When dad was gone everything was gone. Dad didn’t leave much money as he was just an up-and-coming businessman. So immediately we had to move out of the rented shop house and rent a dilapidated house where it leaked when it rained and water would seep into the floor and centipedes could appear at any moment. Mum had to juggle many jobs to take care of her 7 children. She was the sole bread-winner of the family since Dad was gone. She did the laundry for a few families as well as worked at a cooking-oil factory, earning RM2.00 per day, and in between she sews white sack-cloth for my uncle to sell at the timber camp. The jungle mosquitoes would be repelled by this type of cloth, and that was why it was quite popular among the workers. No one was baby-sitting me then. I would then follow my elder siblings to their school. When they sat in the classroom, I would be sitting outside the corridor, waiting for the bell to ring so that they could bring me home for lunch. Sometimes I followed mum to the factory. One day, a kind kindergarten principal (from a church) saw my pitiful plight and committed a random act of kindness by offering a place for me to go to her kindy (I was 5-years-old then). She was the angel in my life. We did not have to pay school fees as our education was given out of kindness. My wandering life ended and my schooling days began. Back in those days, we started kindergarten at the age of six.

Our landlady was a very mean person. She would stomp her feet when we did not switch off our electricity by 10 p.m. As a result, we could not do our school-work and were forced to light lamps. She also would not allow us to use the basic utilities like pipe water as she was worried that we couldn’t pay her due to our ‘excessive’ usage of water. This forced us to get our water supply from the public taps by the road side. When it rained, I would take an umbrella to shelter mum when she washed all the family clothes. Despite all this, we were held in high esteem by the landlady – she took the most pride in us among all her other tenants.

I had a good and nice white dog – his name was Darling. He would always follow us whenever we went to the roadside to do our washing and bathing, and assisted us whenever we needed to carry back water to our home. He was a smart dog. But one day while following us, he was knocked by a fast-moving bus. I was at home and I waited for him. He never came back to me. Fearing the worst, my brother delayed the tragic news. It was a very sad day for me. I cried buckets of tears and couldn’t be consoled. I had always loved dogs but now I try to detach myself from this emotion as my four kids take over the space.

During my tough childhood days and living in a mixed community, I realized it was a blessing in disguise; for it was during all those years that I learned to speak local Malay very well and many Chinese dialects as well. To name a few they are of course my very own dialect Foochow (from my dad’s side), Hokkien (from my mum’s side), Teochew, Hakka and a little bit of this and that. No regrets. Thank God for keeping all our siblings well and in the pink of health. We finished all our secondary education and many of us are successful in our own ways today. And we pursue our external studies during our working years.

In times of poverty, we learnt to appreciate life and also what richness really meant. When we were poor, we learnt that we should always appreciate what we have, and not to take things for granted. And most of all, I learnt to be humble and to have proper respect for everybody. I thank God for my blessings in disguise as it made me who I am today. There is a saying that goes ‘opportunity only knocks once’, so even if you feel that you only have little blessings in life, appreciate them - because you never know if you’ll have that opportunity again.